I wanted to share a short testimony of what God’s been doing in my life as of recent. I could share my entire testimony thus far but like many of us that could take some time.
Life’s been quite the adventure and the short journey continues. I am a single mamma of two grown kids. I was pregnant at the age of 14, my son is now 21 and my daughter is 16. I’ve been through a lot in my 36 years. The tough parts include physical, verbal and sexual abuse-domestic violence, suicidal ideations-attempted 3 times, depression, fear anxiety, anger and bitterness to list a few.
I had accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior when I was 12, 14, 16, 18, and 25, and there’s another list for you. BUT never had I accepted into my heart what it was that Jesus was trying to give me all of these years. I never truly understood. So the part of my testimony that I feel God has put on my heart to share is the one He gave me just within the last few years. In late 2011 I got some news that would prove to change my life and the direction of it forever. I found myself far from familial support, betrayed, alone and abandoned. Instead of stopping and going to the One who sees my tomorrows, I took hold of the false control I thought I had over my circumstances and ran with it.
With my “false control” I made decisions to protect my children and myself. I had moments when I fell apart but I would quickly wash my face, powder my nose and paint a fake smile on my face and persevere. After all, life goes on right; you do what you gotta do? Only the strong survive! When I felt lonely, I found someone or something to occupy my time. When I had “needs” I found ways to make sure they were met. When the pain that I felt got too close to the surface, I turned to false idols for temporary fixes. (Partying, alcohol and even exercise) Hey, I did what I had to do; right? I entered a room feeling empty with the desire to get filled only to somehow find a new level of emptiness.
On one particular day after wearing my smile, I spent my last few dollars at the grocery store getting what staples I could get. I felt so burdened, so heavy but mostly so alone with what felt like the world on my weary shoulders. How was I gonna tell my kids again we were having cereal for dinner? And on my way to my repair needed car, God spoke to my heart -plainly I heard, “I see you.”
I stopped dead in the middle of the lane and looked around to only hear Him say it again, “I see you.”
Something inside my hardened heart began to crack; I fought back the tears as I made it to my car. With the door closed, I wept. I don’t even remember how long I sat there and cried for but He brought to remembrance the story of Hagar. My El Roi had shown up! I was not alone! The God of the universe stopped time to comfort me. He sees me!
After that day, Jesus became more than a ticket to Heaven, He became real, tangible and mine. But most importantly I became His.
I found myself reading the bible again with desire. Each letter forming words to convey His love for me. I started going to Sisters In Christ (women’s ministry at the Rock church) to be fed further and fellowship. Surrendering all the hurt the pain but even more, surrendering my desires at His feet. Not my will but Yours be done. In time the pain was becoming fertile soil. I no longer felt the things described above. He was giving me love. He took my heart of stone and gave me a heart of flesh like He promised in-Ezekiel 36:26
When my life “fell” apart-I realized that what I had was a severe identity crisis. All the things that defined me had proven to be my undoing. But; God! He gave me my true identity one only found in Him! I fought so hard in my small strength to hold my world together-now I rest in El Shaddai, my Strong tower and All-sufficient One, who saw my days before I was born. He has been the I AM to my every need. And yes things still happen that shake me but I look to God first. Nothing can surprise Him! So I encourage you, sisters, wherever you find yourself at this time, He sees you. And rest in the truth, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ; (Phil 1:6)
Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will keep My judgments and do them. (Ezekiel 36:25-27)